Thoughts
on
JABB 320- "The
Unbroken
Circle"
I'm
not sure why
but I feel
like it's
important that
I kind of talk
through this
story.
Actually, I
suppose I do
know
why.
John Dye wrote
in the TBAA
book that we
don't talk
about grief
enough.
For me, it's
painfully
true. I
don't even
write about it
enough.
So, with each
loss, I feel
adrift.
I have the
vague sense
that I've been
there before
and that if I
do certain
things, I'll
get
through.
And that I
will think
certain
painful
thoughts that
will, with
time, go away
if I just hold
on. But
I'm never
quite sure
because I have
no record to
look back
on. So
each time I
relearn the
same lessons
over and
over.
So, when he
died, I made a
pact. To
show that I
truly had been
paying
attention and
that I had
learned from
him, I would
talk and write
about this
grief.
So when I find
myself on this
path again, I
will have made
myself a
guidebook.
It won't take
away the pain
but at least
it will be
permanent
record that I
have made it
through before
and that I can
and will
again.
In those first
few days when
I was reading
and listening
to and
watching
anything I
thought might
help with the
pain, I came
across this:
"Grief is the
feeling of
reaching out
for someone
who has always
been there,
only to
discover when
you need them
one more time,
they are no
longer there,"
from The
Grief
Recovery
Handbook.
That is what I
felt.
Through his
portrayal of
Andrew, Mr.
Dye helped me
through every
loss I
faced.
Then,
suddenly, he
was
gone.
And I felt
like he
couldn't in
any way help
me through his
own
death. I
couldn't even
write
Andrew.
This character
that I had so
many ideas for
and so many
imagined
scenes for
seemed very
far off.
I'd try to
write and
either stare
at a blank
page and cry
or write
something
atrocious and
cry. But
I just needed
time.
Because my
initial
thought wasn't
true. By
the example of
his own life
and with
Andrew, John
left us what
we
needed.
Once I
realized that,
Andrew came
back.
Originally the
story began
with Andrew
and LJA
editing the
first day's
footage and
things being
very
tense.
In short, LJA
was acting
very
cold.
She wouldn't
touch Andrew
and didn't
want him
touching
her. I
think, to be
honest, I was
angry at
Andrew.
I read in a
magazine once,
I think it was
People, that
John
occasionally
got chastised
by bar
patrons.
Apparently an
angel
shouldn't
drink at
all...
nevermind that
he was
human.
And having to
be snuck
around
hospitals and
people
freaking out
on
planes.
Why couldn't
people
recognize he
wasn't
Andrew?!?!
Was he very
hurt by
that?
And somehow,
for a brief
space of time,
that anger at
thoughtless
people I felt
turned against
Andrew.
Unfortunately,
that was just
the period of
time during
which I needed
to start this
story.
So I think
it's why the
original
beginning was
so
awful.
Thankfully, it
passed.
I am no longer
angry at
Andrew.
John played
him too well
and too
beautifully
for that to be
sustainable.
That tumult
worked out for
the better,
though,
because I
wound up
deciding to
open with the
four
angels.
I love this
bit from Adam
there: "John
spent seven
and a half
years
delivering our
message...
God's
message... to
millions of
people.
And that's
only what we
saw. The
Father knows
it didn't
begin or end
with the
show. So
I think we can
spend a few
millennia
carrying his
message for
him." I
like to think
the real
angels feel
that
way. The
scene was also
important to
me cause
seeing Andrew
being
supported and
loved by his
angel friends
became really,
really
important to
me. I am
all kinds of
grateful for
whatever
inspired me to
patch all
those
friendships up
last
year. I
could not have
handled
writing a
dejected and
rejected
Andrew now.
Obviously, I
like LJA
*much* better
in this
initial scene
between her
and
Andrew.
Andrew gets
loved on a lot
in this
story. I
think that's
pretty
reasonable.
This is probly
the story in
which the line
between LJA
and me is
thinnest.
Some of her
lines could
have been
taken from my
journal.
I did feel
such a need to
*do*
something.
I needed to
honor John in
some
way.
Only when I
did that, did
I feel like I
was making any
progress.
So her pull to
do that food,
etc. drive was
very real.
I love Andrew
showing his
hopscotch
footage.
That's so
him.
Even with his
pride issues,
he'd do
something like
that if it
meant making
someone else
feel
better.
Love him.
There's a case
here in which
I mimicked
LJA. I
actually
hadn't lit a
candle for
John. It
wasn't really
something I've
ever done
before.
But it seemed
like something
LJA would
do. And,
after I wrote
it, I started
to feel like I
would like to
do that.
I wound up
making stained
glass candles
for 6 people,
including
John, who I
care about who
have passed
on. And
it really
helped.
So these
stories really
do help me to
sometimes
realize what
it is I need
in the real
world. I
hope they
sometimes
serve that
function for
others, too.
In another bit
of
real/fictional
matching, I
decided to
have Andrew
and Adam
interviewed
together to
lighten my
workload
during such a
tough
time.
However, it
ended up
meaning a lot
more to me
than if I'd
written the
two interviews
separately.
Something
about
imagining
those two
together made
me ever
happier than
it usually
does.
It was when
Andrew and LJA
started
animatedly
talking about
his shaving
that I knew,
writing-wise,
everything
would be
okay.
I'd had the
hopscotch
thing planned
for a
while.
But that was
the first
really goofy
scene I came
up with
entirely after
John passed
away.
I love it when
Andrew
counsels
LJA. I
feel like
maybe she's
too old for it
to happen as
often as it
does but I
don't
care. I
like the boat
scene before
they get to
Willy's
factory.
It's like in
some weird
way, I benefit
from what he
has to
say. I
often feel
like Andrew's
got a mind of
his own even
when I'm
writing him so
I don't always
know what
he'll
say.
(Typed up
3-13-11)
:-)
Andrew and LJA
talking about
Victoria's
Secret.
Honestly, once
I got over the
initial
issues, I was
surprised by
how easily I
fell back into
the old
patterns.
Andrew could
still chuckle
and tease.
Then comes the
bit where LJA
is studying
Andrew's
face. I
find I do that
a lot after
someone
dies. I
become
hyper-vigilant
about forming
crystal-clear
memories of
others.
And, honestly,
a lot of what
she says there
is true.
Although I
would
personally add
that my family
and friends
keep me sane
during times
of grief (when
they're not
part of the
problem which
does,
occasionally,
happen), I
don't think I
can over state
just how much
John-as-Andrew
has helped
me. I
sometimes say
he saved my
life. I
really don't
think that's
an
exagerration.
Even if,
physically,
I'd still be
alive; the
person you
know as Jenni
would not be
here.
Briefly, I
love that
Andrew pulls
over then
moves a box so
LJA can sit
next to
him. It
plays to the
fact that he
wasn't just
talking
earlier when,
during his
interview, he
brought up the
importance of
touch.
And, right
before that,
he tells Laja
"I know
you." So
he would
totally know
"Okay, she
needs to be
near me right
now."
There are only
so many ways I
can show
growth in his
character when
John and the
writers gave
us a fully
realized
character
already.
But him
realizing how
vitally he's
needed by the
Dyelanders is
one way in
which he's
grown, I
think.
Plus, I just
couldn't seem
to not let
these people
be physically
affectionate
this time
around.
Sometimes I
worried that I
was
overplaying
that... and
then I
realized I
didn't
care.
There's a time
to be
clingy.
Then he pulls
out a
laugh.
I'd like to be
stuck with
Andrew
myself!
I can't stress
enough how
vital John's
gentle and
alluring
portrayal of
Andrew is to
JABB. I
am not an
easily won
over
person.
The fact that
this character
has intrigued
me and moved
me for 15
years is due
only to him
and the
writers.
They made
Andrew too
lovely and
lovable to
leave behind
as a relic of
my
teenagehood.
I really like
Owen.
The scene
between him
and Andrew was
kind of last
minute.
I really
hadn't
intended for
him to be in
the
story.
But I just
kept thinking
about Mother,
Mother
and how
touched I was
by that short
film.
We're not just
grieving the
man who
brought Andrew
to life.
We've been
touched by
others of his
roles,
too. Not
to mention the
life of the
man
himself.
But I really
needed to take
a bit to
remember Jeff
and to
celebrate what
John did for a
group of
people who
have faced far
too much
hatred and
bigotry, not
only with that
film but his
beautiful work
in "The Violin
Lesson."
One thing I
wanted to make
sure came out
with this
story, given
that it
presents
Andrew as
real, is that
John's acting
would be
regarded with
equal
admiration by
the Dyelanders
as by our real
selves.
He is never to
them just an
Andrew
mimic.
He's not that
to Andrew,
either.
Whatever John
brought to his
portrayal of
"Andrew"
existed
completely
independent of
Andrew.
Andrew in no
way influenced
the
portrayal.
Thus, he can
only hope that
he "brought
the power and
the compassion
to that
assignment
[Tony DuBois]
that John did
on the
show."
If anything,
the reverse is
true.
John made
Andrew a
better angel.
Then we move
into Doc Hock
territory.
Really, this
Owen scene
pretty much
sums up the
whole theme of
the
story.
John brought
so many people
together, John
inspired so
many people,
they will use
what they got
from him to
reach out to
others, and
John's legacy
will never
end.
I almost cut
this line:
Andrew
joined in
though his
voice caught
as he
did.
"'There's a
better home
a-waiting, in
the sky Lord,
in the sky."
I
worried it was
too
much.
Imagining him
singing
that.
But it was
comforting,
too. So
I left it.
The daffodil
discussion
after Henry's
and Lady
Beth's
interviews was
one of the
more wrenching
scenes for me
to
write.
It's another
in which LJA
is very much
me. I
didn't realize
until John was
gone that I
had, on some
level, been
waiting to
hear his voice
again. I
can remember
an interview
he did after
Columbine, Journey
to a Hate Free
Millennium
after Matthew
Shepard was
killed, and
the PSA the
trio of TBAA
actors did
after
9-11.
Even though he
hadn't been on
TV in a while,
I think some
part of me
always
believed he
would be back
and when
tragedy hit,
he would be on
TV consoling
us
again.
So I am
mourning that
lost future.
From "She felt
a pang of
dread" to the
end of the
scene, I felt
like it wrote
itself.
Every word
just came out
so powerfully
and the scene
was so vivid
in my
mind.
This, spoke by
Andrew, was
possibly the
most healing
excerpt for me
in the whole
thing:
"When
I'm in Heaven,
I feel your
love and all
the love of
all our
friends just
as intensely
as I do right
now, sitting
here with
you.
They do,
too.
Because they
didn't leave
you behind,
even if it
feels that
way... and I
know it
does.
You're with
them always
because we're
all with
God. It
goes beyond
simply
seeing.
They *know*
that they're
loved and they
know that
they're
thought of and
they're
always, always
loving back."
I
like the scene
with just the
five ladies
and wish I
could have fit
more of those
in but I was
exhausted.
I am so glad I
wrote this
story but it
really was
down to the
wire so some
corners had to
be cut.
Nonetheless,
I'm glad
there's this
one.
I also wish I
could have
featured Roger
more.
Through out
the writing of
this story, I
had to balance
what I wanted
to do with it
and taking
care of
myself.
Because I
really hadn't
been doing the
latter.
Still, I'm
happy with
what's
there.
Thinking that
John's work
will continue
to be found by
the people who
need it
whether they
need an angel
or a troubled
medic is a
tremendous
comfort.
(Typed out
3-14-11)
I was kinda
worried about
how I'd handle
writing Tess
and Andrew
together.
I guess
because Della
Reese's
statement
after John's
death really
got to
me. He
was clearly so
very, very
loved. I
was afraid
having them
together would
somehow feel
like
cheating.
But as with
all my other
concerns, it
didn't pan
out. I
really enjoyed
writing out
her interview
scene.
If anything,
it helped.
I just want to
take a moment
to say how
grateful I am
to Nicole,
Yvette, and
Liz for
helping with
their
characters.
This was an
exceedingly
difficult set
of
circumstances
we had to work
with but
everyone did a
really
wonderful
job.
At the end of
the Tess
segment,
Andrew tells
JenniAnn: "You
know,
I've felt the
same way
myself about
many of
you. The
two of us... I
don't think
things have
ever been
easier or more
honest and
comfortable
between
us. And
Monica's come
back.
And now things
are better
with
Yva. And
there have
been bright
spots and I've
had great
moments with
each of you in
the recent
months.
I believe the
Father often
arranges
things in our
lives so that
when difficult
to take news
comes, we're
at least in
the best
possible place
we can be,
surrounded by
the best
possible
people to help
us
through.
I think He's
done that for
us now."
I
truly feel
that. I
am so grateful
that, with
Dyeland, we
somehow
managed to
have
everything be
quite stable
and non-angsty
when 2011
rolled
around.
But I do also
feel like, in
real life, God
worked within
our group to
build us up so
that when the
news of John's
death came, we
were still
pained but we
were also
stronger than
we'd been in a
long
while.
I'm grateful
to Him for
that.
I must admit
it was
something of a
thrill to
imagine Monica
getting rid of
some of her
more
sophisticated
clothes.
I was kinda
sad when, in
the show, she
started
dressing more
maturely.
She'd been my
fashion icon
but after that
it was never
the
same.
Plus, I just
liked writing
Andrew and
Monica being
teasing and
communicative.
The other
thing I like
about Monica's
segment is the
final
discussion
between her
and LJA.
John was so
right about
how we need to
talk about
death more and
grieve
appropriately.
Through out
the story I
just wanted to
have these
moments where
the characters
voice what us
real folks
learned from
John.
And that was a
big
lesson.
A vital
one.
Then the scene
closes with
what, in my
mind, was a
gorgeous and
comforting
image of
Andrew.
Every so often
with this
story, I'd get
one of those
and it was
really
comforting.
I'd struggled
for days with
random,
troubling
images.
It was nice to
get such
lovely ones.
From LJA to
Andrew in the
next scene: "Do
you realize
how absolutely
and completely
loved you are
by so many
people?"
At
points, in
writing things
directed to
Andrew, I
would
sometimes have
a double
meaning in my
head for
John.
When I decided
that Andrew
would age, it
was for a plot
reason.
But it was
also my way of
saying that,
even as John
grew older, we
would still
watch him and
love what he
brought to his
work.
When he was
died, I was
crushed by the
thought that
my lil
messages were
now
pointless.
Thankfully,
after further
reflection I
decided they
now had even
more
purpose.
Cause it's far
more likely
now that he
can hear
them.
So: You were
absolutely and
completely
loved by so
many people.
I surprised
myself with
the next
scene.
I've thought
and
overthought so
much about
these
characters but
somehow I'd
never thought
about this:
how does LJA,
with extremely
limited
experience of
men, know so
well how to
physically
comfort
Andrew?
And it hit me:
she'd been
able to study
a version of
him for 7.5
years.
John's work
helped bring
her to a place
in her life
where she
could trust
and befriend
Andrew.
And, for
Andrew, John's
work set
things up so
that his
friend would
know what he
needed without
him ever
having to say
it. It's
not outside
the realm of
possibility
that without
John's
inspiration,
these two
people
wouldn't know
each other
and, even if
they knew each
other, would
not be on easy
speaking
terms.
They are
really
indebted to
him, in other
words.
Much like I
feel I am for
so many people
and
experiences in
my life.
"If,
God forbid, I
could never
see you
again... I'd
still want to
live for you
and the
memories of
what we'd once
shared... tell
your story,
not die for
you."