JenniAnn let out a soft sigh as she blinked awake.  It was too early to be up... but she could feel that she wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep.  She raised her head from where it rested on Andrew's chest, confirming her suspicions as she glimpsed her alarm clock.  4:12.  If it had been before 4:00, she might have tried to force herself to sleep some more.  But not now. 

After sitting up, JenniAnn gazed down at the angel of death.  When he slept, he sometimes still looked like the angel she had first met over twenty years before.  The lines in his face vanished and only the sprigs of gray in his hair, especially at his temples, told of the time that had passed and the decision he had made.  She loved each of those lines, each of those gray hairs.  He was still beautiful... he would always be beautiful. 

But this year was taking its toll.

That's why they were here in their favorite cabin in the Fields of Gold... a day and night to themselves before Thanksgiving... a celebration that would be smaller than in prior years. 

He'd been so wonderful... managing her moods, inventing distractions when she'd felt trapped.  But now it was her turn. 

For seven straight days he'd worked in COVID wards, coming home only to eat and sleep.  Now Joshua had given him a week off.  And JenniAnn had taken advantage of it.

They'd spent the previous day with their kids, watching movies and going on a nature walk.  Then, with her parents and Raquel and Nico taking over, they'd absconded to this cabin at JenniAnn's request.

And it had been lovely...

JenniAnn bent and gently kissed Andrew's brow before leaving the bed.  She pulled on her robe and slippers and made her way to the main room where she stood in front of large windows looking out onto the spot where she and Andrew had danced the night before he'd gone to Sheol.

JenniAnn flicked away a tear.  That time had seemed so scary...  Looking back, she sometimes wondered how she'd made it through that day of waiting.  But then things had gotten even better than they'd been before.

Maybe this would be the same way.  Maybe this fresh hell would give way to a greater paradise.

But, even at that, there would be so many in mourning, so many left physically harmed by the virus.

And all those memories... they wouldn't leave her Andrew.  It would be a long time before he'd stop flinching when someone coughed.

Meanwhile, it was all a literal world away for her.

JenniAnn let out a sob and peered up at the stars.

"Father... Joshua...  Help me.  I... I feel so helpless.  So... separated.  There's so little I can do to help others."

She felt the answer in her soul just as the wind stirred outside.

"You help him... and then he helps others.  You're part of that.  Everything he does... everything he's done for twenty years... everything he'll do going forward... you're part of that, little bird.  That's no small thing."

JenniAnn smiled and brushed away a tear.

"Sometimes... sometimes I'm not sure what to do for him."

"You love him.  You show him your love.  That's sufficient.  You can't take away all of his pain.  And you're not expected to."

JenniAnn nodded.

"Doesn't mean I don't want to..."

"I know..."

"Laja?"

JenniAnn felt a surge of warmth before she turned around to face Andrew.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked.

"Just woke up a few minutes ago and couldn't get back to sleep is all."

"Ah."

Andrew approached and wrapped his robe around them both, pulling JenniAnn against him.

JenniAnn smiled as she caressed the patch of skin over his heart.

"I'm really not cold," she teased.

Andrew only shrugged, a smile playing at his lips.

"So how did you sleep?" JenniAnn asked.

"Pretty good.  Up until a few minutes ago when I found myself alone."

"Sorry."

"It's fine.  This is nice, too."

"Mmm hmm."  JenniAnn stretched up and kissed him. 

"Did I interrupt anything?  Because I can..."

JenniAnn shook her head.

"I was talking to Joshua but... it was about you.  So... I think you're coming out here is his answer."

Andrew bowed his head.

"Oh."

"It's just... I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough.  But he explained that by helping you... I'm part of what you do."

"Very much," Andrew murmured as he nuzzled her hair.

"But... that I'm not expected to take your pain away."

"No, Laja.  Never.  But you... soften its edges."

"Love..."

JenniAnn guided Andrew to the couch then settled onto his lap.

"Thank you for planning this," Andrew whispered into her ear before kissing her neck.  "It has helped, Laja.  Truly."

"I'm glad."  JenniAnn stroked some hair behind his ear.  "It's been too long since we've been here... just the two of us."  She glanced out the window.  "It all started here."

Andrew beamed.

"We've come a long way."

"Yes..."  JenniAnn smiled.  "All that pining away...  The song... the soppy poetry... the sighing... the thinking up reason after reason to stop over to your house."

Andrew chuckled.

"You had quite the knack for never having enough sugar for whatever you were baking."

JenniAnn laughed.

"Oh love... I always had enough sugar.  But I'd give it to someone else first... so it wasn't entirely a lie when I needed some from you."

Laughing, Andrew pulled her close.

"Sneaky..."  He kissed her hair.

"And... I suppose... eventually... you... pined in your way?" JenniAnn asked, her face flushed. 

Andrew's cheeks also colored.

"I... well, I didn't really let myself... much...  But... I obviously had less control when... well, when I slept and dreamed."

JenniAnn nodded.

"You told me that once...  You dreamed I came to you... back when things were... bad and... and we weren't talking much," JenniAnn recalled.

"Yeah.  It... well, it wasn't a one time thing.  I think that was the first time but... it became more frequent as time wore on."

"Love..."  JenniAnn kissed him before pushing him back against the couch cushions.

Andrew closed his eyes and sighed as she dotted his face with kisses.

"Was there anything in your dreams that you wanted and... haven't gotten?" JenniAnn asked shyly.

Andrew opened his eyes and reached up to stroke her face.

"No, Laja.  You... you've given me more than I ever dreamed.  The dreams tended to just be variations on a theme: me upset in my house, you coming to me.  The idea that we'd have the same house... the same room..."  He beamed.  "Both very pleasant surprises."

JenniAnn snuggled against him.

"Very," she agreed.

"And I was never much for poetry... writing it, I mean.  But when I'd read it... you were in those poems.  Still are."

JenniAnn sighed with contentment as one of Andrew's hands drifted up and down her back.  Then he shifted so she was tucked between the back of the couch and his body.

Andrew brought one of her hands to his lips.

"It's a little chilly out here," he explained.  "I should start a fire."

"Fine... but... hurry back," JenniAnn replied, batting her eye lashes.

Andrew laughed.

"I had every intention to."

JenniAnn watched, smiling, as Andrew started a fire.  Then, true to his word, he reclaimed the spot along side her.

"Feels good.  Thank you."

"You're very welcome."

"I meant to say earlier... this all... it's more than I ever dreamed, too."  JenniAnn clasped the cross around Andrew's neck.  "In my wildest dreams... we did live together.  With a kid or two.  Adopted, naturally.  But you were called Uncle Andrew.  And... we danced and hugged and very occasionally kissed on the hair or forehead.  But... none of this."  She looped an arm Andrew's waist.  "I... I don't think I could imagine that... that you would want this.  And, for a good while... and maybe even a little bit still... up til this last year... I... I wondered if you..." 

Andrew caressed her face.

"Relax, Laja.  You can tell me anything," he urged.

JenniAnn nodded, tilting her head so she kissed the palm that had rested against her cheek.

"I dunno...  I guess I thought maybe whatever... physical pull you had to me was... not that you didn't enjoy it... I know you do... but that it somehow... originated with me.  Like magnets.  Like if I hadn't been pointed towards you, wanting to pull you close... you wouldn't have... wanted the same.  And... and it wasn't until Aziraphale and Crowley... I mean... They're both angels.  There's no human to have, well, instigated things.  The attraction between them just... is."

Andrew nodded.

"And what I feel for you, Laja... it just is.  I... I certainly wouldn't have acted as I have if you'd not reciprocated but... the feelings would still be there.  They... they grew up alongside your feelings about me... but they weren't created by your feelings."

"And, for our sake, I'm so glad of that.  And it makes me so happy.  But... there's a flip side."

"How?"

"Not for us.  Just more generally.  You said it.  If I hadn't reciprocated, the feelings would still be there.  So... so that means that there are angels out there dealing with unrequited love.  Doesn't it?"

Andrew shrugged.

"I...  You know, I'm not sure, Laja.  Possibly God only gives those feelings to angels for whom it'll eventually work out."

"Maybe.  I... I guess we'll see with Joccy and Takoda.  Possibly."

"Possibly.  I hope it works out for them."

JenniAnn interlaced her fingers with Andrew's and peered admiringly at them.

"Me too.  But then... even supposing God only lets angels feel that depth of love if there's going to be someone to reciprocate...  What if the angel wants more than... than the human wants?" she questioned.

"How do you mean?"

"Like... physically?"

"Like sex?  Laja, there may be a wide array of traits angels might or might not have... wings being one... but I'm pretty sure asexuality is across the board."

"Right...  But we know better than most that physical longing and sexual longing are not necessarily the same thing."

JenniAnn stroked Andrew's chest as if to prove her point.

"I just... I don't like thinking that there was a space of time when... when you felt neglected or frustrated or..."

Andrew interrupted her with a kiss before speaking.

"Didn't you ever feel those things, Laja?"

"Well... I mean... yeah..."

"So why was that okay but me feeling the same wasn't okay?"

JenniAnn said nothing, only smiled sheepishly.

"Exactly."  Andrew grinned.  "Anything I felt only made the joy I felt once we did get together even richer."

"Yes..." JenniAnn agreed.

Andrew cradled her face in his hands.

"Even with all of eternity, I... I don't think I'll ever be able to fully impress upon you how much... how much this all means to me, Laja.  To have so often felt... feared and... wished away.  And then..."

The angel sighed when JenniAnn circled her arms around his neck, pulling his body against hers.

"Second only to Joshua... you're the person I feel safest with," she murmured.  "I... I love you so much, Andrew."

"I love you, too, Laja."

JenniAnn nuzzled Andrew's chest then peered up at him.

"How about, after a bit, we get dressed and go outside and dance as the sun rises?" she suggested.  "Old time's sake."

Beaming, Andrew nodded.

"I'd like that."

Then, as they snuggled, Andrew softly hummed "Fields of Gold" and waited for the opportunity to dance with his Laja beneath the rays of the rising sun.


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